up up !

I just sent in my application to a higher position. fingers crossed I will get it .. I also contacted my Director to discuss my career goals, basically I want her job. i've been motivated work wise but it's tough as I love my team and what I do but I won't be learning more here so I need to move on up. Coming back from mat leave before I didn't feel ready but I think it's because I knew I wasn't done having kids ... Now im done so I can attack my career full force ... watch out world im coming to get ya ! bwahaha .. on a different note my cake business is booming .. I am booked for lots of cakes .. it's awesome :) I feel great ... i'm not sure what I got myself into since i have a 3.5 year old and a 15 month old that is a boy trappe din a girl's body but I love to do it so I will figure stuff out ! ... im just super tired !

guilt

I need a lesson in managing life .... I sorta feel like a failure that I can't balance all the normal things that other moms can ... why is that ?

I love my job and it's not to much for me to handle .. if anything it's what keeps me sane ... I wish there was a class I could go to to teach me how to parent, clean and work all without losing it !!!

I feel defeated and out of control ... almost guilty ..

I once believed ...

I listen to music and it takes me back .. way back into a life I once had. I get sad thinking of some connections I have lost in the process but I guess things happen for a reason. Every connection has made me what I am today in some ways ... some i've learned from and others I still take on in my day to day life ... There is a strong connection that never left in the last 10 years .. this connection will never be able to fade away it's the reason i believe in me .. why I don't give up when things seem hard ... Ever have that ?

I've been abit scared of certain things happening to me lately. Situations where people speak to me and i'm looking at them and hearing them but it's like I feel like i'm in a dream and they aren't there and i just don't answer. I've forgotten things that I was sure .. no no positive I had not forgotten at home only to get home and have it be on the kitchen counter ... People have told me I have to much on my plate but I don't feel overwhelmed ... i'm scared of what it's doing though because i'm no unaware when it does happen and it's almost embarassing ... I want to go get checked but im not sure what they would say. I don't feel sick but it's scary of how blank I become at times ... almost not there like I leave my body ...